Drink, Drop, Repeat: The Ancient Salt Water Blunder

Ancient Mesopotamians vs. salt water—a battle of bad decisions, dehydration, and the pettiest science experiment in history.

Hey, it’s Pennewell—your favorite narrator, science hype man, and witness to some of history’s biggest facepalms.

Today, we’re traveling back 5,000 years to ancient Mesopotamia, one of the world’s first great civilizations. This was also the land of Hammurabi’s Code—the first written laws. They had rules for everything—trade, crime, even donkey rental agreements. They had grand and spectacular cities, a writing system, and advanced irrigation… but before all of this, zero understanding of why their drinking water was literally killing them.

Now, let’s be clear—they weren’t the first people to learn that salt water will betray you. Every civilization had to figure it out the hard way—that salt water steals from your body and laughs in your face.

And in this very thirsty civilization, one man started asking too many questions.

Before we dive into ancient saltwater disasters, let’s take a look at our standards:

Earth is basically a giant water balloon, but almost all of it is undrinkable. Here’s how the numbers shake out:

💦 Saltwater Overload: ~97% of Earth’s water is salty—oceans, most seas, and gulfs hoarding it like it’s some VIP exclusive.

🧊 The Ice Vault: ~2% is frozen solid in glaciers, ice caps, and snow, trapped like leftovers in a freezer no one can open.

🚰 The Leftovers: ~1% is actually usable, spread between groundwater, lakes, rivers, and even floating around in the atmosphere. That’s right—we’re basically surviving on Earth’s spare change.

Many early civilizations, including those in the Mesopotamian region, developed along major river systems like the Tigris and Euphrates because fresh water supported farming, trade, and permanent settlements.

Alright. Now let’s meet Chutup—the most annoying genius Mesopotamia never asked for.

ENTER CHUTUP: THE VILLAGE WEIRDO

Every village has that guy.

The one who asks too many questions, overthinks everything, and makes life just a little harder for everyone else.

In this village, that guy was Chutup.

Not a warrior. Not a leader. Just a relentless overthinker who couldn’t stop poking holes in reality.


“If I pour water on water, does it get wetter?”“

If you rip a hole in a net, does it have fewer or more holes than before?”“

If you bite yourself and it hurts, are you too strong or too weak?”“

If Pinocchio said, ‘My nose will grow now,’ what would happen?”


…Wait.

Who is writing this? I’m sure some guy from Mesopotamia, which existed 5,000 years ago, wasn’t asking questions about Pinocchio, which wasn’t written until the late 1800s. Do better.

Anyway, let’s get back to it.

Most of the time, people ignored him. But even someone like Chutup—who never stopped questioning the world—was bound to stumble onto something important.

And on this particular day, he did.

“Hey… what if it’s the water making people sick? Shouldn’t we move closer to the Tigris or Euphrates?”

THE FIRST FAIR TEST: CHUTUP VS. P-NOMO

The village froze.

Not because Chutup had spoken (they were used to that), but because, for the first time ever, it sounded like he might have a point.

“The water?” one villager muttered.“

Nah. Water is water, why would there be so much of it if it were a bad thing?” another shrugged.

“I don’t know, though…” someone whispered. “P-NOMO hasn’t peed in three days.”

That got people thinking.

Because P-NOMO, the village elder, refused to drink anything except the big river water. And lately? He wasn’t looking great. He looked like a dried-up raisin.

His bathroom breaks? Suspiciously nonexistent.

And yet, somehow, he was still alive.

Why? Because P-NOMO was built different.

Not in a good way.

In a “this man is running on bad decisions, misplaced confidence, and two more sips of salt water to death” kind of way.

Years of salt-water-fueled suffering had turned him into a walking raisin with an attitude. His body had adapted in the worst way possible. Instead of dying, he just… existed in a permanent state of dehydration.


“Boy, I’ve been drinking this water my whole life! I feel fine! Plus, we need to stay near the Persian Gulf. Without it, we lose access to trade, and the Tigris and Euphrates flood—our whole village would be wiped out.”

Chutup shot back. “There are ways to manage the flooding, like irrigation. Some places are already doing it! And this water? It’s hurting us. Look at yourself—do you want us all to look like that?!” 

The villagers turned.

P-NOMO’s face twitched. He wasn’t about to lose an argument to Chutup. Not like this.

And then, from the back of the crowd, a voice muttered:

“He already from Ohio.”

Another villager shouted out:

"Yeah, he got that Ohio Rizz"



Okay, who said that?

This is ancient Mesopotamia. Ohio does not exist.

How did this exchange even happen?? P-NOMO was a Sumerian. Show some respect!

Moving on.

P-NOMO had two options:

1. Admit Chutup might be right. (Not happening.)

2. Prove him wrong in the pettiest way possible.

And so, the first official science experiment in Mesopotamian history began—not out of curiosity, but out of sheer spite and an unwillingness to admit defeat.

P-NOMO’S DECLARATION – THE CURSE OF PAZUZU

The villagers leaned in as P-NOMO raised a bony, trembling finger.

“This is a curse from Pazuzu!” he declared. “The demon is furious! We must act before more people wither away!”

Step 1: The Watchful Eye of Sally Bigback


We will watch the fattest, most wobble-kneed, most clueless animal in the village—Sally Bigback.”“

If she acts strange, it is a sign from the gods.”

(Ancient Mesopotamians actually did this. Don’t ask why.)

Step 2: The Sacred Bull Fight (Feat. the Weakest Grandma We Have)

“Just as Gilgamesh fought the Bull of Heaven, we must prove our strength!”

“We will choose the weakest grandma in the village… and she will battle the angriest bull we can find.”

(No part of Mesopotamian history supports this, but here we are.)

Grandma Iltani was 92, shaped like a breadstick, and could barely lift a clay pot.


Step 3: The Most Forbidden Act

P-NOMO’s voice dropped to a whisper.

“Finally… we will place ONE shoe… backward.”

Silence. Then: chaos.

A child fainted. A man grabbed his head. Someone whispered, “Madness…”


“Yes!”
P-NOMO shouted. “This will confuse Pazuzu, making him trip into the underworld! He will see our footprints, follow them, and—BOOM!—gone forever!”

The villagers nodded furiously.

This… this made sense. This was wisdom.…

Until Chutup spoke up.

THE FIRST FAIR TEST

“Or—crazy idea—we just test the water.”

He pointed to two groups.

“For the next four days, this group will drink only from the Persian Gulf. This group will drink only from the Tigris and Euphrates. Same amount, same conditions—no sneaky drinks, no extra food, no pretending you ‘accidentally’ fell mouth-first into a fresh river.”

The villagers nodded slowly.“

Then we observe. If both groups feel fine, the water wasn’t the problem. But if only the Persian Gulf drinkers feel awful, we’ll know it’s the salt. That way, we actually test the water instead of throwing big backs at the problem.”

Silence. The villagers exchanged looks.

Finally, one of them hesitantly raised a hand. “So… what do we call this?”

Chutup blinked. “…What?”

“This thing. This process. The rules.” The villager gestured vaguely. “What is this called?”

Another scratched his head. “Well… it’s fair. And it’s a test. Maybe… a Fair Test?”

The crowd nodded in agreement.

The Results

FOUR DAYS LATER…

The village gathered.

No one said a word.

They looked at Group A.

They looked at Group B.

They looked at P-NOMO.

Silence.


Then, from the back, a single fed-up voice muttered:

“…So we’re moving, right?”

And just like that, the decision was made.


This is how one village’s suffering led to a lesson that shaped history—settling near fertile, fresh water sources. With only 3% of Earth’s water being fresh—and two-thirds of that locked in glaciers—finding drinkable water wasn’t just convenient; it was survival.

And from that moment on, civilizations would rise along rivers… all thanks to one stubborn and dehydrated old man, one annoying overthinker, and the world’s pettiest science experiment.

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